I've been in a bit of a rut since Charmane left. I almost didn't notice it. I knew I wasn't feeling like myself, but I didn't realize how much so until last night. Charmane's been gone about a month now and I've basically spent every night and weekend out and about with friends, or at home in bed. Not outwardly moping, just not doing much of anything. I read, watch TV, cuddle with the cats, but I'm woefully unproductive.
I've been debating whether or not to write this here, but if there's one thing I know about me, it's that I live my life openly or I'm not living my life at all. When we moved in, the house had a bit of a roach infestation...ok, more than a bit. Before we officially moved and the contractors were a daily staple in the place, they did their best at pest control using all types of sprays and powders, but these roaches were too gangster for all of that. I have a deep fear of roaches. Honestly, it would probably better be classified as a phobia. I don't know why, I'm not exactly sure where it stems from, but when I think about it I only feel like something traumatic happened in my childhood. In any case though they were better than before, just seeing one made me stagnant in the house. It was pretty unbearable for me. I wasn't sleeping at home and when I did, I carried a can of Raid EVERYWHERE with me. I wouldn't move anything because it seemed like every time that I did, one came crawling out. I unpacked no boxes because I didn't want them to get in our stuff. It was pretty bad. A week ago I called an exterminator and had them come out and spray the place. So far, so good. I haven't seen any since last week. I've finally started to relax around the place and feel like I can move around my home.
But still, I've been lax. My living room was still filled with taped up boxes on top of the furniture. Anytime I would think of the next step on making the place look and feel like home, I would become overwhelmed in my head and curl up in bed, or call friends and hang out with them to ignore my problems.
Yesterday afternoon as I fed the cats, I realized that they were the only ones who had eaten in the kitchen in the month that I've lived here. If anyone were to come over, it would look a more than a little sad. And then it hit me that I guess I am a little sad. I miss Charmane a lot. She's a big part of what makes my house a home. She motivates me and soothes me. When I'm lost and confused, she manages to show me what to do without outright telling me. Without her here, I've felt a little overwhelmed with the place. If Charmane were still here, this place would look nothing like this. Even without a working kitchen sink, the stove would be turned on, we'd be cooking in some capacity, our things would be placed to the best of their ability. But I haven't done anything.
So I cried. Which sounds like a bigger avoidance of my problems, but I really think I needed to cry. I needed to emotionally realize that Charmane isn't coming home for quite some time and I need to start getting back to normal. It's one thing to hear that your partner will be gone for four months. It's a different can of worms to experience it. There's an adjustment period that I wasn't expecting. In my head, it was going to be like back in my single days: late nights eating peanut butter directly from the jar with my finger, peeing with the door open and hanging with my homies whenever I want. But the thing is, I'm very much not single. And I'm HAPPY not being single. And I was happy when I was single, but I'm not that person anymore. So being without her isn't like a vacation; some days it's more like a nightmare. Anyone who knows us, knows that neither of us have a "ball and chain". Anything I do now, I could do when Charmane is home. (Sans the peanut butter thing. I fight the urge.) But the summer is trucking along and right now if anyone wanted to visit my house, I'd be embarrassed.
It's time to stop avoiding everything while coasting on auto-pilot and resume my trail-blazing ways. My life is not paused for 4 months. I've watched people let themselves be ruled by their unhappiness and years ago I promised myself that I'd never let it happen to me again. As soon as I verbalized what I had to do, I got up and started at least organizing the boxes that I couldn't unpack. After about two hours, I have a sparsely populated living room. Tonight...kitchen. Next week's goal: a home that I can relax in that I've prepared for myself.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Lahdamercy
It's been a while since I've written, more on that later. Right now I'd rather tell a funny story.
Last night I ran out to get some dinner. It was about 9:30 and I had been working around the house all evening. The last thing I felt like was getting hit on. I stopped at a gas station and when I went to pay inside, I was let in by a tall lanky black man. I could tell he had long dreadlocks under a yellow scarf wrapped elaborately around his head. I already knew I was going to get a greeting from him; because of my own locs, I tend to attract this type of gentleman. Beyond that, I was wearing a shirt that Charmane had given me that had a fingerprint shaped like the continent of Africa. Not to mention, like most of my shirts, my boobs make it look pretty good.
So I get my Rasta greeting, which I still to this day do not how to respond back to, and figure that's that. When I get back outside, I turn from the pump and see this dude strolling up to my car the slowest I've ever seen a person stroll. It was actually kind of unnerving, but there were enough people around that if shit went crazy, I had already planned my screaming escape route. He comes up to me SUPER close and whispers, "I been searching." That was it. Nothing more. It was as if I had asked him, "What ya been up to?" and he gave me that concise answer back. So with a nervous smile plastered across my face, I responded, "oh?" "I been searching for a sister that understands my love of blackness. Of black culture. Of mother Africa and our struggle. Are you from Hartford? Why have I never seen you before?"
So I introduced myself, because I figure it's always better to be polite, and told him that I don't really know THAT much about Africa. "Well we all wish we could know more, sister, but we're trying!" (side note: I GET it. You see a young black woman with natural hair and an Africa t-shirt on and she looks like she is conscious as a motherfucker. She is constantly ready to spit out her hate for the white man and what they've done to Mother Africa and about chains [always chains] and "our people". And y'know, I'll do that sometimes. But sometimes, we natural girls just want to pump gas.) So he politely asked if I was involved with someone, to which I said yes, very much so (it's so great not to have to lie about that anymore) and he politely backed away...slowly. As slowly as he had come...and backwards...into the night like Benny Mardones.
Last night I ran out to get some dinner. It was about 9:30 and I had been working around the house all evening. The last thing I felt like was getting hit on. I stopped at a gas station and when I went to pay inside, I was let in by a tall lanky black man. I could tell he had long dreadlocks under a yellow scarf wrapped elaborately around his head. I already knew I was going to get a greeting from him; because of my own locs, I tend to attract this type of gentleman. Beyond that, I was wearing a shirt that Charmane had given me that had a fingerprint shaped like the continent of Africa. Not to mention, like most of my shirts, my boobs make it look pretty good.
So I get my Rasta greeting, which I still to this day do not how to respond back to, and figure that's that. When I get back outside, I turn from the pump and see this dude strolling up to my car the slowest I've ever seen a person stroll. It was actually kind of unnerving, but there were enough people around that if shit went crazy, I had already planned my screaming escape route. He comes up to me SUPER close and whispers, "I been searching." That was it. Nothing more. It was as if I had asked him, "What ya been up to?" and he gave me that concise answer back. So with a nervous smile plastered across my face, I responded, "oh?" "I been searching for a sister that understands my love of blackness. Of black culture. Of mother Africa and our struggle. Are you from Hartford? Why have I never seen you before?"
So I introduced myself, because I figure it's always better to be polite, and told him that I don't really know THAT much about Africa. "Well we all wish we could know more, sister, but we're trying!" (side note: I GET it. You see a young black woman with natural hair and an Africa t-shirt on and she looks like she is conscious as a motherfucker. She is constantly ready to spit out her hate for the white man and what they've done to Mother Africa and about chains [always chains] and "our people". And y'know, I'll do that sometimes. But sometimes, we natural girls just want to pump gas.) So he politely asked if I was involved with someone, to which I said yes, very much so (it's so great not to have to lie about that anymore) and he politely backed away...slowly. As slowly as he had come...and backwards...into the night like Benny Mardones.
Monday, June 6, 2011
One Week Down
It's Monday night and Charmane has been off of American soil for 9 days. I've started keeping a countdown of the major things that are happening this summer. In a few weeks, I'll use my brand spankin new passport and jet off to Aruba for a four days! I have a feeling it'll be a welcome break from the norm. Since Charmane's been gone, I've been going HAM (that's "hard as a motherf*cker" for anyone not in the know) at work, usually leaving after 7. It's nice to be productive and going home isn't my favorite right now, to be honest.
My friends have all been wonderful, calling me up and taking me out before I can even ask. I get Facebook messages from people just checking in with me. I definitely don't feel forgotten. This weekend, I sort of got in a sulky mood, but my friends pretty much strong armed me out of the house. Once I made it out to the party, they met me at the door with a bottle of alcohol and let me vent for a while.
As for Charmane, I can't speak for her, but she seems to be doing well. So far she's met a few groups of native English speakers, even some people from CT! The first few days that she was there, she hung out with the departing singer, a woman from Australia. If you know Charmane, you know she has no trouble making new friends. This weekend she hung out with another woman who showed her around to a bunch of shops and stores on Saturday. Apparently things are really effing cheap in Vietnam. 100% silk robes that go for $15 type of cheap. I'm going to go on a SICK shopping spree when I get out there! The deals are so good and things are so pretty, even Charmane is excited about shopping. That's saying a lot.
I think the key to us both getting through this is staying busy. I'm planning on finishing my book of short stories and Charmane has a few projects of her own that she plans to start. In the meantime, it's one day at a time. I let the tears fall when they want to, but I mostly smile because I know the time will fly.
My friends have all been wonderful, calling me up and taking me out before I can even ask. I get Facebook messages from people just checking in with me. I definitely don't feel forgotten. This weekend, I sort of got in a sulky mood, but my friends pretty much strong armed me out of the house. Once I made it out to the party, they met me at the door with a bottle of alcohol and let me vent for a while.
As for Charmane, I can't speak for her, but she seems to be doing well. So far she's met a few groups of native English speakers, even some people from CT! The first few days that she was there, she hung out with the departing singer, a woman from Australia. If you know Charmane, you know she has no trouble making new friends. This weekend she hung out with another woman who showed her around to a bunch of shops and stores on Saturday. Apparently things are really effing cheap in Vietnam. 100% silk robes that go for $15 type of cheap. I'm going to go on a SICK shopping spree when I get out there! The deals are so good and things are so pretty, even Charmane is excited about shopping. That's saying a lot.
I think the key to us both getting through this is staying busy. I'm planning on finishing my book of short stories and Charmane has a few projects of her own that she plans to start. In the meantime, it's one day at a time. I let the tears fall when they want to, but I mostly smile because I know the time will fly.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
The First Weekend
At 2:30am EST on Saturday morning, Charmane and I awoke from our bed and packed the finishing touches into Charmane's bag. I wish I could say it was seamless, but I think a combination of nerves and the finality of it all made us an unorganized mess. We couldn't remember where we put things before we went to sleep only 2 hours before. We had to unpack bags and make sure certain things were actually inside them and we were still pretty tired overall. But at about 4am we, along with Charmane's brother who had offered to drive me back home, were on the road. Only an hour off from our goal, but we misjudged the distance of our house to JFK anyway.
At 6am, we pulled up to her terminal and said our goodbyes. The scene wasn't able to be that long since it was a clusterfuck just getting to unload the car. Homeland security has made it pretty difficult to have long, drawn out goodbyes at the airport. That's not really a complaint, I guess.
Very shortly after, we had to make our way back. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, but I did have a lot on my mind the ride back. Mostly, "Holy shit, I won't see my girlfriend for 3 months." Not that I haven't had this thought before, but looking at her from the rearview mirror as we drove away sold it.
I got back home and immediately got back in bed to sob a bit. I was supposed to be going to the beach in about an hour and a half, but I needed a minute to myself. Not to mention that I'd been up since 2:30am and now it was going on 8. When I finally did make my way to my friend's house to carpool to the beach, I was much more functional. In fact, the entire day I was fine. Though I did get some reminders that I was alone via text messages throughout the day, everyone was very polite and kept the "how ya doin' there, slugger?" type questions to a minimum.
After the beach, my friends and I decided to have a cookout. We chatted and I checked my phone obsessively to see if Charmane would call. I had decided to face the afternoon drunk, so when she Skyped me around 11pm EST, I was too tipsy to get home just yet. I separated myself from the rest of the group and had a nice chat with her. I cried a little too. Something about chatting with her in a Japanese airport really drove it home that she was halfway around the world from me. But I was able to have the chat and return back to my gathering.
It wasn't until after the beach, after the cookout and when I came home to a quiet house that I realized I was going to be alone. 4 months of falling asleep by myself. Bed time is definitely my favorite time with Charmane. Usually she's playing Bejeweled on her phone and I'm reading a book. Whatever 10pm show that we've settled on is coming through the speakers. Every now and then, one of us interrupts the silence with a story about our day, a thought about our next career move, remembering a silly thing one of our friends did. And at 11pm we switch to The Hallmark Channel and watch Golden Girls until we drift off to sleep. It's really the little things that are going to be the hardest to do without for these 4 months. Charmane is both my love and best friend. I know we can be without each other, but some days it's going to suck a lot.
At 6am, we pulled up to her terminal and said our goodbyes. The scene wasn't able to be that long since it was a clusterfuck just getting to unload the car. Homeland security has made it pretty difficult to have long, drawn out goodbyes at the airport. That's not really a complaint, I guess.
Very shortly after, we had to make our way back. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, but I did have a lot on my mind the ride back. Mostly, "Holy shit, I won't see my girlfriend for 3 months." Not that I haven't had this thought before, but looking at her from the rearview mirror as we drove away sold it.
I got back home and immediately got back in bed to sob a bit. I was supposed to be going to the beach in about an hour and a half, but I needed a minute to myself. Not to mention that I'd been up since 2:30am and now it was going on 8. When I finally did make my way to my friend's house to carpool to the beach, I was much more functional. In fact, the entire day I was fine. Though I did get some reminders that I was alone via text messages throughout the day, everyone was very polite and kept the "how ya doin' there, slugger?" type questions to a minimum.
After the beach, my friends and I decided to have a cookout. We chatted and I checked my phone obsessively to see if Charmane would call. I had decided to face the afternoon drunk, so when she Skyped me around 11pm EST, I was too tipsy to get home just yet. I separated myself from the rest of the group and had a nice chat with her. I cried a little too. Something about chatting with her in a Japanese airport really drove it home that she was halfway around the world from me. But I was able to have the chat and return back to my gathering.
It wasn't until after the beach, after the cookout and when I came home to a quiet house that I realized I was going to be alone. 4 months of falling asleep by myself. Bed time is definitely my favorite time with Charmane. Usually she's playing Bejeweled on her phone and I'm reading a book. Whatever 10pm show that we've settled on is coming through the speakers. Every now and then, one of us interrupts the silence with a story about our day, a thought about our next career move, remembering a silly thing one of our friends did. And at 11pm we switch to The Hallmark Channel and watch Golden Girls until we drift off to sleep. It's really the little things that are going to be the hardest to do without for these 4 months. Charmane is both my love and best friend. I know we can be without each other, but some days it's going to suck a lot.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A quick hello
Hello all! I feel like I want to keep people updated on my current situation. If you didn't know, my girlfriend Charmane is overseas kicking ass and taking names over in Hanoi, Vietnam! Wait, the way I wrote that, it seems like she's at war or something. Let me rephrase: My peace-loving, soulfully singing girlfriend is kicking metaphorical ass in life and performing in Hanoi for the next 4 months. While she does that all by herself across the seas, I'll be here in Hartford having a summer of my own. I'm living in our new home among a long remodeling job that's still not complete.
As someone put it the other day, I'm also living in the same house as my mother-in-law (though we live in two separate apartments.) It sounds kind of sitcom-ish when you put it like that. In reality, it'll probably be pretty mundane. We get along really well and she's really helped us out getting settled in over here.
As the summer unfolds and I get as close to what one can call adjusted to not seeing my girlfriend for 4 months, I've decided to keep a blog and update my friends on how I'm feeling. What I know about myself is that writing is therapy for me, and it's better for me to actually write about what's happening and get through this when times are hard, plus flex my writing muscle and be productive. Win-win!
As someone put it the other day, I'm also living in the same house as my mother-in-law (though we live in two separate apartments.) It sounds kind of sitcom-ish when you put it like that. In reality, it'll probably be pretty mundane. We get along really well and she's really helped us out getting settled in over here.
As the summer unfolds and I get as close to what one can call adjusted to not seeing my girlfriend for 4 months, I've decided to keep a blog and update my friends on how I'm feeling. What I know about myself is that writing is therapy for me, and it's better for me to actually write about what's happening and get through this when times are hard, plus flex my writing muscle and be productive. Win-win!
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