I've been in a bit of a rut since Charmane left. I almost didn't notice it. I knew I wasn't feeling like myself, but I didn't realize how much so until last night. Charmane's been gone about a month now and I've basically spent every night and weekend out and about with friends, or at home in bed. Not outwardly moping, just not doing much of anything. I read, watch TV, cuddle with the cats, but I'm woefully unproductive.
I've been debating whether or not to write this here, but if there's one thing I know about me, it's that I live my life openly or I'm not living my life at all. When we moved in, the house had a bit of a roach infestation...ok, more than a bit. Before we officially moved and the contractors were a daily staple in the place, they did their best at pest control using all types of sprays and powders, but these roaches were too gangster for all of that. I have a deep fear of roaches. Honestly, it would probably better be classified as a phobia. I don't know why, I'm not exactly sure where it stems from, but when I think about it I only feel like something traumatic happened in my childhood. In any case though they were better than before, just seeing one made me stagnant in the house. It was pretty unbearable for me. I wasn't sleeping at home and when I did, I carried a can of Raid EVERYWHERE with me. I wouldn't move anything because it seemed like every time that I did, one came crawling out. I unpacked no boxes because I didn't want them to get in our stuff. It was pretty bad. A week ago I called an exterminator and had them come out and spray the place. So far, so good. I haven't seen any since last week. I've finally started to relax around the place and feel like I can move around my home.
But still, I've been lax. My living room was still filled with taped up boxes on top of the furniture. Anytime I would think of the next step on making the place look and feel like home, I would become overwhelmed in my head and curl up in bed, or call friends and hang out with them to ignore my problems.
Yesterday afternoon as I fed the cats, I realized that they were the only ones who had eaten in the kitchen in the month that I've lived here. If anyone were to come over, it would look a more than a little sad. And then it hit me that I guess I am a little sad. I miss Charmane a lot. She's a big part of what makes my house a home. She motivates me and soothes me. When I'm lost and confused, she manages to show me what to do without outright telling me. Without her here, I've felt a little overwhelmed with the place. If Charmane were still here, this place would look nothing like this. Even without a working kitchen sink, the stove would be turned on, we'd be cooking in some capacity, our things would be placed to the best of their ability. But I haven't done anything.
So I cried. Which sounds like a bigger avoidance of my problems, but I really think I needed to cry. I needed to emotionally realize that Charmane isn't coming home for quite some time and I need to start getting back to normal. It's one thing to hear that your partner will be gone for four months. It's a different can of worms to experience it. There's an adjustment period that I wasn't expecting. In my head, it was going to be like back in my single days: late nights eating peanut butter directly from the jar with my finger, peeing with the door open and hanging with my homies whenever I want. But the thing is, I'm very much not single. And I'm HAPPY not being single. And I was happy when I was single, but I'm not that person anymore. So being without her isn't like a vacation; some days it's more like a nightmare. Anyone who knows us, knows that neither of us have a "ball and chain". Anything I do now, I could do when Charmane is home. (Sans the peanut butter thing. I fight the urge.) But the summer is trucking along and right now if anyone wanted to visit my house, I'd be embarrassed.
It's time to stop avoiding everything while coasting on auto-pilot and resume my trail-blazing ways. My life is not paused for 4 months. I've watched people let themselves be ruled by their unhappiness and years ago I promised myself that I'd never let it happen to me again. As soon as I verbalized what I had to do, I got up and started at least organizing the boxes that I couldn't unpack. After about two hours, I have a sparsely populated living room. Tonight...kitchen. Next week's goal: a home that I can relax in that I've prepared for myself.
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